It's OK to Forgive Yourself

Thoughts on Gender Transition, MtF
by Jen

So you want to be a girl? Clearly, this is the most important, significant, far reaching, radical decision you will ever make in your entire life. And, as such, it deserves very deep thought, very careful planning, and an understanding of what this decision means — to you, to your loved ones, to your career, and to your ability to live your life. Many of us have felt this way for a very long time, some from earliest memory. Others have come to this realization later on in our lives, as teenagers, as young or even as older adults. For some of us, it is a "preference"; for others, it is something we must do, we are compelled to do, else lose our sanity, or even our very lives. Each of us has our own expression of our transgender. Some want to live, interact, and be completely accepted as women, in stealth. Others live their lives as partially, or completely out, women. Some are heterosexual in their new identity; others lesbian or bisexual; still others asexual or nonsexual. Some are pre-op, non-op, post-op. In short, each of us is in her own space, living her own life in her own manner.

Because of this, there is no guide or chart to follow. Nothing is laid out for us, so all we need to do is to "fill in the blanks", and voila!, we have transitioned — that doesn’t happen. Each and every one of us must find her own way. I refer to it as being similar to walking through a minefield; there are dangers and risks along the way, and a wrong step could bring disaster. Therefore, it is prudent, even necessary, to make our plans as carefully and as thoroughly as possible. The success of transition depends on planning and preparation, and often a little luck. It is my contention that the vast majority of us need the help of a professional. If we have a legal matter, we seek the advice of an attorney; if we are sick, we go to a doctor. So why not, for the most momentous decision we could ever make, go to a qualified and trained therapist? I can only cite from my own experience. Early on, I was in general and supportive therapy, and when I began to explore my gender issues with my psychologist, he said to me, "Why, you aren’t going to go and get your penis cut off, are you?" Clearly, I had the wrong therapist! So I carefully chose a psychiatrist with a great deal of experience treating the transgendered, and with whom I felt I would be a good fit. It was the best decision I made during my entire journey. There are many resources for finding a therapist. Various sites on the internet list therapists; there are professional rosters in gender magazines; the Yellow Pages is a resource; and, of course, there is word of mouth from the gender community. Yes, a therapist is an expense, but it need not break the bank. If you are fortunate enough to afford private therapy, that’’s great. But there are many opportunities for group therapy, at a relatively low expense, which are perfectly acceptable. Unfortunately, medical insurance will not cover the therapy if it is coded as gender therapy or if a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder is submitted to them. But, occasionally, if the paperwork is carefully worded, the insurance companies will cover all or part of the therapy. You will usually have to pay the therapist’s fee up front, but the company will reimburse you directly. Do not be afraid to discuss this with your therapist; it’s not the first time they have been presented with this issue. A therapist will guide you and help you find that unique place where you belong on the gender spectrum, that space that only you will occupy. It is crucial to understand yourself, to be comfortable with yourself. You will be better able to define your goals and to pick the path your journey will take.

For many of us there is a great deal of baggage we bring to our gender issues; for many, a lifetime of guilt, repression, shame, and fear. Most of us have struggled with our gender identity, and we have suffered mightily for it. It’s OK to forgive yourself for all those years that you felt so bad, all that unhappiness and misery. If you can get to a place where you can forgive yourself, where you can realize that those thoughts, those urges and yearnings, were not sick, not perverted, not wrong, you will have taken perhaps the most important step in healing and in comprehension. In understanding yourself, you will find that comfort, you will feel validated, and, for many of us, complete for the first time in our lives. We can find happiness at last; we can find joy.

A very critical step is to try to figure out the reactions of our family and friends and colleagues when we inform them of our gender issues. I think that much of their responses depend on what has gone on before. If, for example, the family relationships have been built on love, openness, understanding, and respect for each other’’s feelings and thoughts, the chances of acceptance are better. You have to understand that, once you have come out to them, there is no going back — you can’’t unring the bell. So you have to plan carefully, and to tread with equal care. You also have to understand that it will probably be a total shock, so immediate acceptance and understanding is unlikely. Have patience. It may take months or even years for them to come around. Some may never accept you, and some will take a while. Some wives cannot ever be accepting — they need a male in their lives. Children are so vulnerable; they have had a concept and image of their dad for all of their lives. They will be very fearful, and they will mourn the loss of their father. There are support groups available to help families and, in particular, children, and, again, there are ways to get access to those groups. Books, such as Mildred Brown’s True Selves, or Randi Ettner’s Confessions of a Gender Defender, can help families gain understanding. Give your loved ones time; give them space. Allow them to get used to and to come to terms with your issues. Remember, it is the most important event in your life, and you will want to get them to accept you as soon as possible. But, as important as it is to them, it isn’t the most crucial thing in their lives. So give them that space and that time — it may take a while.

And you have to be prepared to possibly lose all or part of your family and your friends, a weighty possibility. You have to be concerned about money. Transition is terribly expensive, therapy, electrolysis, hormones, various surgeries, voice training, clothing, lififestyle — all cost a fortune. Most of us will likely get divorced. In most cases, that is a huge loss in financial status, and there is child support to be considered. So we have to find a way to keep our income potential. Some of us will be fortunate to have jobs we can keep and will be able to transition in. Others will lose their livelihood and will have to find something else in their field, or even to chose a new career path.

We all want to get going as soon as possible; to get on hormones, to change our names, to begin the RLE. Again, patience, patience. You want to do this well; you want to do it right. And this is where your therapist can help. He or she can make referrals to appropriate resources — doctors to prescribe hormones and to monitor their effects, experienced surgeons to do their thing. But it all takes time. And I believe you need to get the segments of transition in place before you start. You need to be ready to transition before you start the actual excursion. Not that all the "i"s need to be dotted, or the "t"s crossed, but you need a blueprint, and you need to be ready. Much of what I have said is obvious. But you must make your plans carefully. You must think of all this out before you start your journey. You must try to plan where to put each foot in your trip through the minefield. Not all will be understood or revealed as you make the design for your transition. You may need to re-evaluate things as you go along; you may need to shift gears or even direction, or slow down or speed up. But the point is to think, think, think, and not just react and hope for the best. The task is daunting, but as the ancient Chinese proverb says, "The longest journey begins with a single step". And remember: If you want to make God giggle, just tell her your plans!

Wishing you the best with your transition!

More info:

• Understanding Transsexualism